From Broken to RESTORED!

Life testimony of Naphtalie Paulle Betia on March 17, 2019 @ His Life South

Have you ever wondered when is the right time to surrender? Or when should we stop holding on? Moving on and letting go has been my constant battle since I hold on to my principles tightly and been selfish to survive; I used to live by this quote “In order to survive in this selfish world you have to be selfish.”
 

I grew up in a broken family. Growing up then, I’ve seen myself being in the custody of different people. Every time my parents fought I would close my eyes waiting for the first person to pick me up. That person would always be my mother; she will take me with her but she will eventually leave me to her friends, her siblings and her neighbors. Leaving me with this promise, “Ga, mabalik lang ko ” (I’ll come back). I held on to her words but that awhile turned into hours, into days, into weeks and even into months. Then she returns, picks me up as if nothing happens and brought me back to my father. During those times I never knew what was right from wrong all I could remember were the faces of people who sexually molested and physically abused my youth. I’ve witnessed sin committed over sin: adultery, lies, pornography and drug addiction. 

I never rallied for what they were doing; I was just there witnessing my own version of cartoons and child’s play. All I had then were blurry memories of being loved and being home. What keeps me going then is seeing the bravery of my father who constantly reminded me to never foster hate in my heart. I never spoke about what I’ve been through fearing that I might mess up my family.

I knew that there was God and I was baptized when I was 12 but never understood the whole thing about Him; in short, I took Him for granted. I was in elementary when I first asked him “Lord why are you allowing this to happen?” I graduated from elementary when my sister decided to sell everything we had here in Bacolod and moved to Iloilo. We got separated from my mother and my brother. We started a new life there once again. I tried to be the best I could possibly be; I’ve excelled both in academics and other curricular activities. I tried my all to bring happiness and pride to my family. After two years my mother went to my school and searched for me. There and then she told me this “Ga pasensya, Ma-bag o nako” (I’m sorry, I’ll change). 

I forgave and accepted her with all that I have left but eventually she broke that promise and left me once again. I had this huge fight with my brother and he physically battered me. But my father took his stand to protect my brother and told me “Ikaw and my alam, ikaw ang kabalo kag ikaw ang may ara siya ya ang kalu-oy” I took those words against me and took it negatively. At that moment I embraced anger from the person who inspires me not to hate. I was angry with them, I felt I was betrayed and continually being betrayed by my own family. Remember the brother of the prodigal son? I felt that time that I was in his stand. I did my best to be a good daughter I gave my all for my family to be proud of me but I never experienced reciprocation of my obedience, hard work and dedication. I once promised myself never ever to be like them, but along the way I was becoming like them.
 

Once again, another separation happened when my sister and I moved back to Bacolod to have a new start. But during that time I could feel the deep excavation of emptiness is getting wider in my heart. I was longing for love and acceptance, however I managed to act and live normally. But I was so different than I was before. Behind the façade of purity, excellence and obedience is a messed up child. I tried to suppress every emotion I had. I constantly search for answers to cover up the void I was experiencing. A Youth leader from a church near our village keeps on hunting me with her jolly approach. Despite of her kindness, I always mock her “Nga ma amo gd na, Ininto ah”. Since I don’t have tolerance for long conversation and her jolly personality I always find a way out to hide from her. She tried winning me but I wasn’t willing to surrender. But never did I realize that my suppression is turning into depression.

 I thought I was just living along the trend; I was harming myself with blades, knives, ball pens and any sharp objects. I never lash out my anger to anyone; I took every pain on my own arms. I embrace the darkness of introversion. The words of my father kepts on resonating in my mind “Ikaw and my alam, ikaw ang kabalo kag ikaw ang may ara siya ya ang kalu-oy” I felt I never had the right to seek for help. Despite of that I always talked to the Lord. I hated Him but He is the only Person I am capable to talk to. There were no nights that I never cried to the Lord to take my life because I’m so tired. Finally, before graduating in High School I decided to end everything and committed suicide. I was then afraid to die but I just needed to shout for help and that was the only way I knew.
 

I saw my father embracing me and helplessly pleading for my forgiveness that I couldn’t surrender. They rushed me to the hospital and sent me to a psychiatrist to ask for medical help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was under medication for a few months. Yes, it did help. It helped me calm down and be just indifferent. After a few months of medication,my indifference was way more destructive than my anger. I was remorseless with my life; I justified my deeds for what I’ve been through. I fall into great sins to fill the void. The constant search for answers in this world led me to my pit fall. I was into alcoholism; I could never sleep without having a dose of any alcoholic drinks. I was fond of meeting and being friends to those who are like me - empty and godless. I’ve been into groups who are into gangs and marijuana. I’ve been into immoral relationship. I’ve had been my worst in my emptiness. I was in high school when I asked Him again “Lord akig kana sakon?” (Lord, are you already mad at me?).

I continued to live my sinful ways as it became my lifestyle. A lifestyle that is unbeknownst to closest friends, teachers and family. As what my family would usually thought of my whereabouts were for school purposes but I was actually embracing the otherwise. They see me as a fine woman but then again the latter is incorrect for I am not. I was then consumed by my anger especially to my brother. An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth - with all my grudges I always seek for vengeance. Added to this when my sister migrated to the US, the emptiness continues to grow big that it distorts all hope, love and values I had. My sister who stands as my mother left me too. Unlikely lifestyle grew its roots deeper, I wasted my life even more since no one is monitoring me. My anxiety attacks visits me more often. Since I stopped from drinking, my medication was drawn into Pain killers. From 500mg, 1000mg up to 2000mg pain killers. I took to put my anxiety at ease. I drugged myself of pain relievers.

Then one day my sins are gradually taking all what I thought I could manage. People whom I thought to be my friends betrayed me, I got broken hearted, my family is even more broken because of the constant physical clashes between me and my brother, and lastly I was in 3rd year when I failed the course I was pursuing in college. Everything in my life was broken. I was becoming a monster. I cried as to the person I have become in my search for answer. But going to the Lord was never part of my list. I hated the church, I hated people of the church and I hate pastors. 

But I cannot deny the fact that I still couldn’t find the answer. During that time my heart and my mind were not at peace. I tried to draw myself into vices to cover it up, still, it manages to wrestle in my mind. I stopped, I needed another way out. There and then I entered to a prayer house, I went there not to pray but bombard the Lord with questions. I visit as often as I can. Eventually I never settled to it and planned a road trip hoping for what they called as soul searching. But I saw this His Life poster. I cannot understand why such poster seems drawing me in. Everytime I pass by, it seems like it’s calling me. Then I decided to try attend the services, once in a while.
 

Growing up being constantly betrayed, I find being vulnerable as a weakness. I didn’t trust anyone. How can God change someone like me? Will there ever be someone willing to accept me? If I surrender who will fight for me? At that moment my spirit and my flesh were brawling inside until I found myself on my knees and asking God to forgive me for all that I have done “Lord I messed up big time, I am wasted, I am a sinner and I am no longer the woman you designed me to be. Lord will you still accept me?” The Lord answered me through His words in Romans 5:8 “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God loved me when I couldn’t love myself. And in Jeremiah 1:5 “before I formed you I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” God has given me a purpose to live. It was that time I raised my flag and surrendered my fight. 

I rested my case to the Lord. Through Tita Glenda, I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. The void in my life was never answered by the world’s approval; it was filled and overflowingly filled by the Love of Christ. July 2017, I was introduced to this woman wearing a pastel apple green blouse with blue cardigan and in her ma-ong jeans. She was very prim and proper but she was the otherwise. That is Christel Ann Labrinao my life group leader, once again her name is C-H-R-I-S-T-E-L A-N-N L-A-B-R-I-N-A-O (she is MY life group leader). If you happen to watch the vlog of the Sankai brothers, she is my own version of Fumiya. She is handling a feeding program,… not just for physical but for my spiritual growth and maturity.
 

I stand here before you because a woman of God through manang Christel helped me to find confidence from the Lord. No amount of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant could ever over power the peace that God could give my heart. The process didn’t go easy as it is, I know I made her struggle with my inhibitions and hesitations but she persisted. She guided me through my walk in knowing God. She never gave up in pushing and supporting me in all of my endeavors. And she is one of the most beautiful gifts I received when I surrendered my life to God. I didn’t just found an LG leader but I did found a family in Christ. When my past is condemning she constantly remind me of 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” The old Pao who is so timid, hateful, anti-social, anxious, depressed and living for her own purpose is now gone; the new Pao who now found the purpose that God designed for her to be is here. I thank the Lord for the life of my brothers and sisters in His Life South who encourages me in my walk with God. I learned to forgive my family and the people who hurt me. After 7 years, I am now civilly talking to my brother and I know God is still working in restoring my family. I am now living away from my vices. Currently, 

I am joyfully serving the ministry of God. Indeed God is changing me from glory to glory. What you have heard about are but snippets of how great and marvelous my God has been so far. There are a lot more things I definitely would love to share with you—the beautiful ways of God unravelling more of His grace, love and joy for me is something that the time allotted for me to share may not be enough. But we can surely talk.

I was the impossible in my story but that cross eradicated all the impossibility in my life. I am no longer afraid of being vulnerable for my Christ delivered my fear and shame away. I am no longer a slave of fear.
 

I am Naphtalie Paulle Betia, 24 years old and I am a child of God. To God be all the glory!